A Guide to Shinobi
by Muria
Summary: In the course of his information-collecting, Jiraiya's encountered a variety of characters around the world, keeping many as contacts. But now, an odd contact needs his help... to write a guide book on shinobi?
1. Kintaro

Random, I know, but apparently my story inspiration comes when I'm in the shower… Anyway, the OC's named after a guy that was at my school a few years ago. If it's misspelled, will someone please tell me the correct spelling? I didn't actually know him; I only heard his name and thought it sounded cool.

I don't own Naruto. If anything in here looks a lot like someone else's fanfiction, it was not intentional. I can't think of seeing any of the non-cannon things originating from a fanfiction… If something looks funny, just send me a message, and I'll look at it.

Onward! Please leave comments on how to improve this!

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Kintaro perched on the bar's counter, oblivious to the glares and stares of shady patrons and outright criminals. One hand continually toyed with his pen, tapping it against the paper balanced between his knee and the wall, while the other sprawled behind him, fingers curling over the back of the wood top. Those fingernails tapped on the edge in time with his foot on the counter's side. 

Calmly, as if by habit, the barman reached over the youth's shoulder to hand a drink to a shinobi. With an odd glance to the boy, the ninja met the barman's eyes.

"Is he that naive, old man?"

"Naw…" The barman sighed, half-way affectionate, the other half incredulous, "It's a bluff. He's paying attention."

Currently engrossed in a spurt of writing, Kintaro hardly helped the man's defense of him. The elder twain watched him for a moment, as he smiled and wrote something with a flourish, before the shinobi snickered.

"Does he really belong here?"

Momentarily surprised, the barman laughed. "Of course! This brat's the best spy in town."

"Only 'cause I don't come tryin' to pay for some boss's bonus." Grinning, Kintaro met the shinobi's eyes, "And if I do get caught, enough people like me enough to get me out without many questions."

The barman smirked over the spy's shoulder, mouthing, 'Told you.'

"Anyway," Kintaro's sudden voice broke the silence stagnating for the past twenty seconds, "I better go. Got a meeting to catch up to!"

He hopped off the counter and dashed out the door without a second thought, paper still clutched in one hand.

Behind him, the barman only laughed, handing the shell-shocked shinobi one more drink. "On the house. That brat's a whirlwind!"

Kintaro slid into an alleyway, apparently at random, and flipped onto an abandoned dumpster. "Jiraiya-sama!"

In a cloud of smoke, the burly white-haired sannin appeared. Seeing the boy holding two packs of papers, he queried, "So what's the deal today?"

"You get the new treaty between Mist and Stone. I get some trivia on jutsu. Sound reasonable?"

"Sure, sure, kid. But, let me see this 'treaty' first."

Kintaro's eyes narrowed, before he smirked and flapped one of the packs at him, "How do I know you wouldn't just take it? You're a famous shinobi, a warrior of stealth. What if you stole it from me?" He adopted a concerned expression.

Jiraiya just scoffed, "Fine, brat. What do you want to know?"

"Some stuff about blood limits." He continued unaware of the other's tensing. "Like the normal stuff about the different ones. What they are, what they do, who has them, who's used them… Stuff like that."

"What for?"

A smile broke across Kintaro's features. Brandishing the other pack of papers, the one covered with his hurried writing, he grinned, "I'm writing a 'guide for civilians.' It's called, "Shinobi: When to Confront, When to Bribe, and When to Commit Quick Suicide." Interested?"

Jiraiya smothered a laugh, "If that sells, it'll damage public relations."

Kintaro looked at him quizzically, "Do you really want to work for someone who takes advice for survival from a joke book?"


	2. Shinobi

Settled in an empty hotel room, Jiraiya glanced at the newly bound book lying on his floor. He shook his head, uncertain of how he, one of the Legendary Sannin, had been conned into publishing a book for some borderline criminal punk. But, the word "Kintaro" stretched across the bottom of the front cover, beneath the heavy lettering of "Shinobi: When to Confront, When to Bribe, and When to Commit Quick Suicide" stared back at him.

The man sighed, closing his eyes as he tried to ignore the annoying image of that rather convincing kicked-puppy look the spy loved to throw at him. Snorting, Jiraiya snatched the book up, opening it.

_Shinobi. The dangerous protectors of the peace and forbearers of man-made disaster. What do we really know about those we hire for everything from simple tasks of weeding our gardens and finding runaway pets, to stopping criminals and bandits, to beginning or ending wars? Not that much._

_How many know what a jutsu is? Probably about half of you. How many of you who know that know what chakra is? If you're curious, buy a book from the Shinobi Academy. They can explain it a lot better then me._

_What about shuriken? Or a katana? Most of you, maybe. But, senbon? Those are needles, very sharp lengths of metal intended to be thrown. _

_Most shinobi use weapons similar to each other, but specialize in something completely different. Did you know people can fight with gigantic fans? Or ink? How about puppets? Or summon animals from no where?_

_So, what do we do when we meet less-then-friendly shinobi? The Hidden Villages will tell you to, first, check if they mean you harm. Don't do that. By the time you check, if they meant you harm, you'd be dead. My advice is to run immediately and hope you have shinobi of your own. If this isn't plausible and you aren't dead yet, see if you can reason with them. This is also called bribery. Don't be afraid to offer money, power, or services. Some shinobi can be swayed, and this could save your life. Don't offer to stay in their company a moment longer or to accompany them anywhere. You will die if you do this. Of course, there are times when this does not work either. When that moment arrives, I advise that you quickly slit your throat and wrists. It won't hurt nearly as much as the shinobi's torture would._

_But, how do you know when to do what? That, my friend and customer, is what this little book is for._

For a moment, Jiraiya could only stare at the introduction until he burst out laughing. Still smirking, he turned the page and began Chapter One: "Psychopaths, Identification and Avoidance."


	3. Psychopaths

Psychopaths, Identification and Avoidance

_Let's begin. A psychopath is a person who has no conscience but normally conceals this fact under a mask of charm and intelligence. They tend to cause themselves and others great harm without regret or restraint. As you can imagine, many of them turn to the shinobi life-style, where such harm is encouraged._

_But, how do you identify if your approaching shinobi is a psychopath? First, look for too-calm composures. Though this won't be possible if they're wearing a mask, it can be a good clue. For the far-too-common masked ones, observe their body language. Beware of the most elegant, the most collected, the most intellectual. They're probably the sadists (see chapter three for more information on sadists). _

_Next, pay close attention to any dialogue you can hear. If they're open and friendly, they might be sane. However, that depends on the subject; physical harm to others, mental harm to others, emotional harm to others, death, destruction, and chaos are all red flag topics. If they're quiet, they could be sane. See if the silence is congenial, restrained, polite, or something you can't quite place. _

_Congenial is a good thing. They might be nice. Restrained could mean any number of things; among them are the possibilities that the approaching shinobi don't like each other and the chance that they're hoping to ambush you. Be wary. Polite could mean a polite shinobi, or it could mean a psychopath. Don't worry if you can't place the silence. Shinobi are skilled in deception over a broad expanse of subjects. _

_See if they're discussing missions. These might be normal shinobi (See chapter two for more information on the Common Shinobi). If they seem straight out of someone's dreams, you might have found yourself a nutcase._

_Third, observe their reaction to your presence. If they're overly polite, be wary for a trap, but not a psychopath. They're usually more subtle then that. If they're indifferent, keep out of their way. These will probably continue to ignore you. If they're rude, they're not psychopaths, but you're in danger. But, if they are perfectly civil without a logical, economic, or strategic reason, you have probably encountered and intrigued a psychopath. _

_To identify, use caution and always assume the worst. Different people see different situations as worse case scenarios, so I'll leave the 'worst' option up to you and your imagination. Go with your gut feeling. Unexplainable paranoia is your body's way of saying there's a predator nearby. Unexplainable trust is the predator's way to counter that instinct._

_Known psychopaths include Gaara of the Sand, Hidan, Hoshigaki Kisame, Orochimaru, Uchiha Itachi, and Uchiha Madara. Obviously, there are more then this small number, but these are a few famous ones. _

_Once identified, do your absolute best to leave the shinobi's company. Bribes can be very useful for them, especially when the bribe involves something they need to leave to get or require your healthy consent to obtain. Money can work wonders, but don't be blatant. Many will take offense and kill you faster. Of course, depending on the particular mindset, that could be the preferred choice._

_If you cannot escape the psychopath's company and cannot bribe him, be entertaining. Not funny, as that could annoy them. Seek out their interests cautiously, and find a subject you either have or could fake interest in. If you gain their positive interest, you might survive._

_Now, if you're still alive, try to enter a village as quickly as possible and hire shinobi to protect you. If they're either allies or enemies of the psychopath, this is particularly effective. If you cannot enter a village and fear for your own sanity at the psychopath's hands, since many of them do enjoy mind games, I suggest you carry a thin knife with you beforehand. If you did not take this precaution, find something sharp, and do so quickly. With that, slice your wrists parallel to the veins, over them and up your arms, not across. Then, do your best to slit your throat. If you're lucky, you'll bleed to death before the psychopath can react. If he does notice and happens to know medical jutsu, I'm sorry. Keep your eyes open for another chance._

_With that depressing end in mind, let me continue to my next chapter in a similar vein. Such subjects are not for the faint of heart, but the faint of heart tend to be the favorite victims of the most maniacal._

Semi-shocked, Jiraiya turned the page, laughing at the title, and more at the subtext and the truth within.

"_The General Insane: Delusions, MPD, OCD, and just bizarre."_

_Also known as the Common Shinobi_

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_I still don't own Naruto. _

_ Any reviews are welcome! I hope to improve this. _

_Thanks for reading! _


	4. The General Insane

Before I start this one, I want to thank Valbino for some of the examples in here (Sakura in particular. If you like her in this, thank Valbino. If you don't like her, blame me.)

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The General Insane: Delusions, MPD, OCD, and Just Bizarre

Also known as the Common Shinobi

_Now, to begin the second chapter, I must caution you that this information might be found more disturbing then the last chapter. This results from the simple fact that most shinobi are insane. Before you panic, this does not make them excessively dangerous in comparison to the psychopaths. Survival rates for civilians of confrontations vary widely._

_The first mental abnormality is simple eccentricity. This category contains many variations of vague symptoms. Obsession with a certain theme, preoccupation with fiction, and bizarre concepts of social nuances tend to characterize the eccentric. _

_Generally, their eccentricity does not constitute an increased danger. In certain situations, it can even create a safer scenario for the civilian. Under this division, examples include Hatake Kakashi, Might Guy, and Rock Lee._

_Another mental problem, a more dangerous one, is multiple personality disorder. Though this can provide leeway for by-standers if one personality has a kinder nature, there is generally at least one excessively violent personality. _

_To identify this disorder, observe the shinobi for sudden, extreme, and unexplained shifts in mood, opinion, or behavior. Watch for an increase in gentle behavior, but beware of excessive civility, as it can mask sadism. _

_Examples of powerful shinobi who have multiple personality disorder include Zetsu, a cannibalistic missing-nin, and Sakura, a law-abiding shinobi of Konoha. If you encounter Zetsu, do not struggle. Simply allow him to do as he wishes unless he seems to seek your suffering. In that case, kill yourself. As quickly as possible. Few trained shinobi could escape him._

_Sakura, on the hand, should not attack you seriously unless you are part of a mission or assault her. Though normally demure, her second personality surfaces under extreme stress or emotion and acts aggressively._

_The third disorder is obsessive compulsive disorder. This will probably have little, if any, affect on the shinobi you encounter. Only trained shinobi should be able to manipulate the psychological workings of another shinobi's mind. In passing, OCD could be mistaken for eccentricity, due to the mutual obsession. However, a shinobi suffering from OCD generally focuses on the mundane instead of the eccentric's bizarre. _

_A shinobi with OCD will generally not behave differently, with any more or less force, then any other. Examples include Uchiha Fugaku (currently deceased), the missing-nin Konan, and the missing-nin Sakon and Ukon. _

_The fourth condition is –_

Jiraiya dropped the book guiltily just as an Anbu entered the room.

"Jiraiya-sama, Tsunade-sama wants you to report on your findings." The masked man spoke mechanically, obviously bored.

"Ah, yes!" the sannin smiled, "I have the file here now." He fished a paper from his coat and shoved it into the Anbu's hand. "But I was in the middle of something." He looked at the other expectantly.

The Anbu got the hint, nodded, and vanished. Satisfied, Jiraiya turned back to Kintaro's book.


End file.
